Susan Donnelly

The morning I returned to work after the Scotland trip, I was asked to take over my boss’s job, in an “acting” role.  Not exactly the way to ease back into working world.

I have more than enough going on in my life, really too much, and an unexpected ripple in my work life would surely upset the delicate balance between do-able and not.  Add to that the fact that it’s a new job with lots to learn and it’s supervising people, much more complex than being an individual contributor.  Oh, and one more small detail?  Our group is already understaffed and overcommitted, now with one person less than before.  I’d be doing her work and mine.  

I was an obvious choice since I’ve been in the group longer than anyone in it at the moment but to be honest, some little tiny little voice in the back of my head said I’d rather try it than watch someone else come in and try.  Like following a friend that always gets you into trouble, I reluctantly listened to the voice and took the opportunity.

So here I am, facing something new and unknown and a little daunting.  Now what?

It felt the same when I took the leap and signed up for my first 100-miler.  I needed to grow no matter how uncomfortable or scary the challenge.  A job wasn’t on the line but something more fundamental to my sense of self was.  It was exciting but I was putting myself way out on the line. What if I failed?

Signing up required a certain faith in myself.  If others could do it, I probably could do.  It wasn’t a comparison with others so much as an underlying faith in my ability.  It was possible, other had proved it, and shorter races showed that I was as capable as some of the others.  I had a real shot at it. 

After that, I took the only active action I could think of – learn all I could.  What was a 100-miler like?  I searched out race reports and lore about running 100 miles from as many sources as I could find to get as accurate a picture as possible.  With the information, it became easier to imagine doing it and I developed a plan to get there.  Even if it wasn’t the perfect plan, having one made me felt better.

Then slowly, as I trained, I even got used to living with the fear of the unknown and of the outcome.  Until I was there, it was going to be unknown.  There was nothing I could do about it other than accept it.

I‘m approaching the new job and work load the same way.  Others can do it and I feel that I probably can too.  I’ll summon up what I’ve learned over the years and learn more.  And I’ll just have to take a deep breath and accept that it’s a big unknown.  Everything really is anyway, and that’s ultimately a pretty freeing thought.

Posted: Thursday, July 23, 2009, 7:06 am | Tags: Blog | Respond | Trackback